The You that You Want to Become

She is one of the most humble, honest and unselfish people I ever met. She is friendly, kind and is very smart. It then struck me that not everyone can appreciate her worth. The story of the the struggles she had been through and is going through increased my sorrow. The challenges she faced at an early age made her who she is now.

Despite the many positive traits she has, she has a very low self esteem. And I can't blame her for that. Having a life lived in the gloomy shadow of her sister, a life being compared to someone who has achieved a lot, a life being humbled by the very people she cares about. The outcome? She doesn't think she's good enough when people around her now thinks she's great in what she does.

I've been trying hard to boost her confidence, not by feeding her with lies, but by acknowledging the fact that she is magnificent. She really is! As a matter of fact, despite the negative judgments she have been receiving all her life, she never succumbed to the idea of giving up. She started working at an early age. She deflected the blades of the hurtful words being uttered to her and accepted it as a challenge. Now she is in a law school with better hopes for the future, pursuing the life she wants to live. Kudos to her.

"People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just gotta punch back and say, 'No, this is who I am'. You want people to look at you differently? Make them! You want to change things, you're gonna have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world." -Emma Swan (Once Upon A Time, a series)

"Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can't do something themselves, they're gonna tell you that you can't do it. You want something, go get it. Period." - Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happiness, film)

You're All You Have

She keeps on thinking about other people that she overlooks herself. She wants other people to be happy that she neglects her own happiness. It's in her nature to be kind to other people, too kind actually, that people abuses her kindness sometimes.

She doesn't care if she sacrifices her own happiness so long as the people she cares about are happy. She thinks it's the right thing to do. The idea of making people happy is good, but neglecting her own happiness is another thing.

"Love yourself, you're all you have." - John Grisham

Never A Waste of Time

(written July 17, 2012)

It's hopeless. I've been exerting all the efforts I can and all of them went to waste. What a random circumstance it was, us meeting together. I wasn't really looking for someone since I just recently broke up with my ex not too long ago. But then she came to my life to ruin what was a peaceful and quiet life. I guess it really does happens, shit happens. 

The days we spent together though were the most happiest moments of my life. Every single day we spent together were days I really treasure. She thought me a lot of things, mostly about lessons in life. Ironic as it is, she thought me one of the most important things I learned in life. That you can't always have what you want. Sadly, I learned it the hard way. 

Now I feel like I'm in a constant battle with the emotions I'm feeling. The battle is yet to be won. Whoever wins I wouldn't know as I am battling with the shadows of what I did to make me feel this way. 

I don't blame her for anything. It was I who made the decisions that lead me to this situation.

"It's what I want. It's never gonna be 'wasting my time'." --Anonymous

Nothing Came To Those Who Didn't Try

"If I were you, I'll do myself a favor and ditch the chick, for the relationship that you have with her is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.", my friend replied when I asked him what to do if he was in my situation, having a girlfriend that he doesn't love.

After giving it much thought he's actually right. I mean one of the reasons I left the seminary is because I don't see myself as a priest in the future. All the more reason why I need to end my relationship with my girlfriend. I don't see myself having a future with her. And by future I mean a happy family. I'm in love with another girl, a girl that my friends say is the-one-who-got-away. I haven't fully lost her yet though. She's not even married yet, but she has a boyfriend that on her own words "needs her more than I". It's true though, I don't need her. I love her. And that's why I made a huge mistake. My judgments had been cloudy that lead me to making hasty decisions. In my desperate attempt to forget this girl, I looked for a faster way which is getting myself involved with someone else, someone who can reciprocate the affection I was giving to the other girl, the affection that she was not able to return because she is committed.

True love isn't easy but it must be fought for, because once you find it, it can never be replaced. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'll fight for her. I love her and it's her whom I see a happy future with. Selfish, yes. But if being selfish will lead me to a happy future with her then I'd be the most selfish man alive. And what if she actually feels the same? Then I'd have lost my chance with her if I wouldn't even give it a try. If we don't end up together, at least I can say that I've tried to win her with all that I have. Besides, who knows what the future brings. All is fair in love and war. If I lose, then I'm a proud loser. If I win, then I'd be the most happiest man alive. After all nothing really came to those who didn't try.

No One Comes Prepared

The pain is so excruciating, having to deal with emotions given the apparent rationale in ending what transpired between us. It was inevitable. No matter how you claim that you are prepared in the need to detach from a former love and in moving on with your life, you still get hurt. No one really comes prepared in such a situation.

"Have you ever walked in a situation when you know exactly what's going to happen but you still go into it anyway, and when what you're afraid of happens you kick yourself because you should have known better. But that's just who you are." -Mary Margaret Blanchard (Once Upon a Time, Series)

Wasted Opportunity

I just can't help but look at her everytime I see an opportunity  Has my affection with her turned to an obsession already? I want to look at her everytime, I want to be with her all the time -- sadly it can't happen anymore. I want to tell her I still love her. I want to tell her I'll wait for her. I want to tell her just how much she means to me, but I'm afraid that if I tell her she'll put up that barrier again. If only I didn't waste the opportunity she gave me the first time, I really wouldn't be facing this problem.  But what's done is done. Much as I want to be with her, I can't. Plus, with all the eyes at us everytime I get close to her, I just  can't help but move away. I wish there's something else I can do to put the things back the way they used to be.